What do we do when our boundaries are violated?
Setting boundaries is an essential part of protecting your own energy, time, and well-being – especially in the context of interpersonal relationships.
Last year, I made a promise to myself to keep my Wednesdays free of work to create me-time in the middle of my workweek, as well as spend quality time with my husband. Now, when safeguarding this promise I put soft and hard boundaries in place. My hard boundary is making sure never to plan meetings or coaching sessions on this day so that I don’t have any external obligations, while my soft boundary is making sure to allocate time on the other days of the week to complete administrative, or other independent tasks so that I don’t need to catch up on work on Wednesdays. I make a conscious effort to plan in leisurely activities, such as working in the garden together with my husband, going for a trip to the city together, reading a book or listening to a podcast on my wish list, or catch-up calls with friends and family. All this aimed at creating down time, recharging and being fully present to the valuable moments spent with and on the people that I love.
All the same, I do find myself at times overstepping my own boundary, or allowing others to do the same. In moments like these, I like to rely on the following steps:
🌱 Communicate your boundary again.
Let whoever you’re speaking with know that you need x in order to be or feel y. Be clear with stating your boundaries so that the other person fully understands you. This includes telling or reminding them (and sometimes that is actually you) what it is you need, the time frame, and what you expect from others.
🌱 Communicate the consequence of overstepping your boundary.
If communicating your boundary alone doesn’t work, make it apparent what the consequence would be when this boundary is violated. First, speak from your own perspective and tell them how it impacts you, and if that isn’t respected then communicate that you will need to take space from them as a result.
🌱 Remain calm and if necessary, limit your engagement.
Don’t let yourself be guided by fear or anger when your boundary isn’t accepted and respected – rather, remain calm and choose to limit your engagement. Once you have done all of the above: clearly communicated your boundary and the consequence of not staying true to it, you owe it to your to your own well-being to limit your contact with someone that doesn’t give you that space.
🌱 Be persistent and true to your own boundaries.
In today’s work-culture many people default to saying yes to things before giving themselves the chance to think of themselves, their own capacity and other responsibilities or priorities. I urge you to be persistent and true to the promises you have made to yourself, for yourself. You are honoring yourself by doing so.
