Recently, I co-hosted a virtual experiment for fellow coaches and facilitators in which we were curious to find out what happens when we are in a state of discomfort. Does it help open the door to self-reflection when we are stuck, or does it result in the reverse. It was eye opening to see how differently people responded.
Typically, in a coaching and facilitation setting, one is catering their behavior according to their client’s needs and cultural expectations, in so far that is possible. This led us to wanting to create a unique setting in which we invited people to get out of their comfort zone, encouraging them to be provocative and confrontational.
Although this type of approach is not very common in a coaching trajectory, we wanted to see in how far participants in a roleplay could push their boundaries, reflect on their own personal triggers (both in the context of giving feedback, as well as receiving), and see how much of it they could eventually incorporate into their own lives.
I would like to share two of the many valuable insights gained during the evaluation of that experiment. First of all, there needs to be a certain level of trust for a provocative style of questioning to be effective. Furthermore, it was highlighted how different cultures define provocation and confrontational engagement. What may be seen as integrity and honesty by one person can be interpreted as being rude or unproductive by another.
Marshall B. Rosenberg was a psychologist that designed the four-step process of non-violent communication (NVC) which I’ve outlined in this graphic. NVC is a method of communicating that provides a clear step-by-step process for navigating conflict. It doesn’t focus on the supposed “wrongdoings” of a person, but rather on the underlying factors of conflict. Prioritizing the needs and emotions of a person, while simultaneously looking at the facts of a situation in an objective way.
When you are a coach or facilitator in conversation with a client who is stuck, or a leader who wants their team member to get unstuck through self-reflection, these are some simple questions you could ask in order to cultivate a healthy, communicative environment:
🌱 Can you tell me what happened from your point of view?
🌱 How do you feel about what happened?
🌱 What emotions are coming up for you?
🌱 What do you feel most {anxious, happy, etc.} about?
🌱 What needs of yours are not being met?
🌱 What do you really want?
🌱 Why is this important to you?
🌱 How would you like to move forward?
🌱 What support do you need?
No matter what others say, listen to the core of their message. What are they Observing, Feeling, Needing, and Requesting?
Using the NVC method may be the secret to unlocking the potential in your organization’s social fabric. If you are curious to learn more about how to incorporate these soft skills in your organization don’t hesitate to reach out me for a discovery call.
